I have reached the point in my life that I can genuinely do what I want to do within the parameters of a fairly loose schedule. I do keep the ‘Ole Buckeye’s needs in mind and follow the grand girls schedule, but most days are fairly open for planning. I compose the day, but what my mind has planned, my body is not always prepared to do. Actually, that is not exactly true. The body is prepared in the beginning, but part way through the project, sometimes after only a few minutes, it tells me Whoa…not so fast, this is not going to work. The things that once took part of a day cannot be accomplished in a full day and are often followed by near exhaustion. My mind begins playing games…am I loosing my health, is something wrong, do I need a check up? or horror of all horrors….am I getting old?
Sometimes it has been as simple as preparing a family meal, organizing grocery shopping for one day, and meal preparation for the next. After a few hours on my feet in the kitchen the legs get tired and cramp or the feet throb. By the time I sit down for dinner with the family, I am too tired to enjoy it. I am ready to clean things up (not really) and call it a night. I am not necessarily ready to go to bed, but I need to put my feet up and relax.
I’m beginning to realize that I have more and more limitations as well as an increasing number of challenges. I am far more careful with my footing knowing that I can no longer afford to fall. I second guess how important it is to get down on my knees because I am overtly aware of an increasing difficulty to get back up.
There is another “wonder if” that lurks in the back of my mind. I find myself wondering if I have much more time to withstand running through an airport or walking a steep incline in Italy. Now that I have the time for travel, will I be able to enjoy the journey?
As I sit at a computer and plan a trip, I find myself calculating the time between connections and envision lugging luggage through the airport. I get tired just thinking about airports. Oh yes, “the airport” requires a blog all of its’ own. How do I make plans when I am not sure what lies ahead? Travel, after all. has become more and more difficult. The retirement dream of time and travel is not proving to be quite as I once envisioned.
Believe me I am not a pessimist, in fact quite the optimist. But I am learning to be realistic. I am a goal setter, but I am determining that I need to make those goals less exuberant. In the past I have always had lofty intentions. Now I am learning to be more rational, however, I refuse to be dispirited or discouraged.
I want to conquer the feeling that sometimes the end is not worth the means
and allowing matter to win over mind.
I am learning that I don’t need to have all or nothing. I need to accept limitations, work to keep myself healthy and in better shape and keep moving toward the goals and projects that both require my time and excite my mind.
So, the answer to the question, “Is the end worth the means?” Yes, enjoying life to the fullest, even if I must adapt to a more confined limit is worth it. I must learn that I don’t need to be as aggressive to push mind over matter, but I also do not need to lapse into letting matter consistently win over mind.